I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
