May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
