Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Slut skills are useful in every country.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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