Best friends brother. Beat that.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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