so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
