there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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