i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
