mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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