I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
