Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
