i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
