I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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