There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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