it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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