coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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