Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
