You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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