I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
