They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
