He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
