Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
