when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
