Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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