dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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