all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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