she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
