So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
