I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
