I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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