dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
