This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Pants are for mortals
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
