I love black thongs
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize