There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Someone signed my nipple.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
