Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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