Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
