i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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