Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
