So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
