just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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