he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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