She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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