everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
