Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
