Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
