just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
