Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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