Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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