yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
