I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
