Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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