I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
