My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
