So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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