Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
