we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
