My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
