Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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