the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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