Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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