Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
